Hope does not disappoint - Romans 5:5

A New Mindset

2012-02-03T13:50:00.000-08:00

The last few weeks have been hard emotionally. The Lord is doing a great work, and work is often painful. I am a lot less angry at God than I have been recently. I came to the conclusion that I had to make a choice (again). I would rot in anger and resentment if I did not choose to accept and move forward. I can either cling to my feelings of God's abandonment or I can choose to believe God's love and goodness outlined in the word.

For the last six year I have followed a self-implemented protocol for my pain: rest until it subsides. This program worked initially on my arm and leg pain, but it has yet to work for my hip pain. A ginormous light bulb recently flashed; if I continue waiting and resting, things may never get better. I have to somehow move on with my life. This goes back to acceptance. Although I know what needs to be done, I have no idea how to do it. I AM going to live my life despite and through my pain. This is incredibly daunting and scary for me because I cannot imagine what living with pain will look or feel like. Acceptance is hard. This does not mean that I will give up my hope for a cure or my search for medical treatment.

In order to live with pain, I need to create some sort of manageable program. I started seeing a pain psychologist who is going to teach me tools to help cope with pain. I also began a deep breathing/relaxation/imagery program, adding more tools to my tool box. I've realized I will not find the one ingredient that will take away all my pain. What I need is to find the best recipe for my body.

A difficult aspect in all of this is the debilitating nature of my pain. When I engage in too much activity, I pay a huge price; inflammation kicks up, and it is something I cannot push through. I have almost lost my ability to sit upright completely. I have no clue how I will move forward, but I am choosing to believe the Lord will make it clear. An inpatient or outpatient pain center is looking like it will be more of a reality for me.

Bad pain days take a big toll on my heart. I am crushed when the pain gets really bad. It is imperative that I remember there will be lots of ups and downs on this journey.

I am excited about these changes, but I am a little weary of the work ahead of me. I am thankful I don't have to do this on my own strength.

Please join me in lifting all of this up in prayer.

Blocks

2012-01-24T15:48:00.000-08:00

I had six nerve blocks about two weeks ago. I really needed something to take the edge off. They seem to be helping so far. For the first week most of my pain was in response to muscle atrophy in my hips. I began getting more and more active and my shrunken muscles were not too happy. Then I pushed myself over the edge and most of my inflammation has returned. I am hoping some good rest will allow the inflammation to die down.

One of the hardest parts of getting relief is the fear that I will lose it. Once things get a little better, I look up, expecting the sky to fall. I was discouraged when the sky fell this time. Relief tastes so good!! I need to be more careful with my activity; I have to take baby steps instead of giant leaps forward. I must also remember that there will be steps backwards as I try to move forward.

I am having a hard time clinging to hope lately. I also realized I am angry with God. These two things weigh heavily on my heart and make me feel like there is a huge expanse between me and God. Would you please pray for a renewed and refreshed perspective on hope and God?

Wanting more

2012-01-02T13:23:00.000-08:00

In the last few weeks I have begun the process of going off my pain meds. The drugs are not helping enough to get me out of the house, so I decided the cons outweigh the pros (the drugs have a negative effect on the brain and pain system). I was a little afraid that my body would freak out, but I seem to be doing well. I still have another three weeks to go. I have to go slowly otherwise I will get withdrawals. Please cover me in prayer as I wade through this process.

I had a lot of pain during Christmas because I was more active than my body allowed. After resting for a few days I am up and walking around the house again. As I move about, I sometimes notice a fear that I am doing too much. But I won't know if I don't try. Activity is what I crave most. I yearn to walk long distance, to travel, to discover, to venture out. I can't enjoy the wonder and beauty of God's creation from the confines of my home.

I find that I bury the pain and heartache of this situation deep within my heart. I don't want to be a broken record as I share my heart and pain with friends and family. It's a difficult place to be. There is no manual for this situation, no how to's and no guide.

I feel stuck and I desperately want so much more. Holidays, birthdays and new years are always difficult. I ache for what I have lost and I barely cling to the hope that things will be different. I pray that 2012 brings direction, abundant hope and joy, and above all, relief.

Christmas Greetings!

2011-12-23T12:42:00.000-08:00

Hi friends! Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday Jesus to you!!

I have some exciting news. I recently started interning at the Barna Group, a Christian research organization. I do research from home and email in my findings. It has been a lot of fun and I am learning a lot. So far I have researched topics like "pastors using twitter" and "how social media affected the Obama 2008 campaign."

This week I started working with a physical therapist who works with the mind/body/pain relationship. She has had positive results in the past. Because nothing has worked in the past and I have been let down many times, I have a hard time being hopeful about future treatments. I find myself almost going through the motions. I am working through and praying for hope and healing in this area.

In the last few days I noticed some improvement in my pain- I was able to walk around the house more than normal, but yesterday I wrapped a few gifts and now things got worse again. As I have mentioned before, I need to somehow break through this so I can start exercising and strengthening my muscles. In the back of my mind I keep returning to hyperbaric oxygen, but I am really at a loss. I don't have any direction. I am in relationship with a God who knows and sees all, yet he isn't giving me any leading right now. The waiting is hard.

Please continue to pray for direction, healing, joy, patience and endurance for me and my support system. I continue having a difficult time praying lately. Your intercession is everything to me.

The Choice

2011-12-09T11:25:00.000-08:00

Someone recently asked me what I did to turn around my gloomy outlook, so to speak. "Well," I said, "I had to make a choice. I had to choose to believe that the Lord has not left me, that he is bigger than my pain, that this is not the end." The choice was huge, and I was the only one who could make it.

We have such power over our minds. And not only that, but we have power over so many other areas on our lives. I am not discounting God's sovereignty here. Making choices and changes in our lives is not always easy, but it is our responsibility. We will be so much better off when we put in the work. My situation is so much more manageable now that I don't feel like I am in a dark pit.

I am still stuck on the couch, in terrible pain, but my outlook is sunny again. Back when I was in the pit (that sounds so funny!) my mom was quick to remind not to write the ending to my story. This statement was highly profound to me. God is still at work and I have no idea what he is up to. His thoughts and ways are much, much higher than mine. When you write the ending, you put God into a box.

I was supposed to go to San Jose today, but had to cancel. Yesterday I woke up with severe arm tendonitis; the same tendonitis that first started all of this, that forced me to drop out of college (twice) and that prevents me from using a Mac, because it hurts to bad to type on one. The list of activities that one can perform while lying on a couch is very short. When you take away the use of your arms, the list shrinks to talking, breathing and watching movies. BUMMER.

I will be receiving lidocaine injections in my hips on Monday (in LA) to find out if I am a candidate for ProLo therapy, which is basically sugar-water injections. Fortunately, there is no cost to this treatment beside the actual cost. I have a host of other appointments lined up for the month of December. I hate that insurance deductibles start over again in January.

Bless you all.

Pure Joy

2011-11-29T10:44:00.000-08:00

Updated**

I'm having a hard time considering my trial "pure joy" (James 1:2). Thanksgiving was tough this year for numerous reasons. I love seeing and spending time with my siblings, but the pain of comparison/jealousy and feelings of inadequacy really take a toll on my heart. I used to imagine what holidays would be like when we would all come home and celebrate life with one another. But my life is so static, I am always home and i don't get to participate in fun or exciting things. I can't even paint my toes because it hurts to bad to bend at the hips. My quality of life really is terrible and I no longer get reprieves. When my pain first started, it would last for a few months and then dissipate, now it is a constant. Leaving the house for anything other than a doctor appointment is out of the question.

As is evident by my words, I am in desperate need of a refreshed spirit, sense of hope and relief from pain. I find myself so discouraged by circumstance. Bringing my eyes back to Jesus is hard. It's a hard pill to swallow that this is where he has me; he is allowing this unending and unrelenting cycle of pain. I no longer feel like I will get better. The lack of hope that "this too shall pass" is heavy.

**Tomorrow I was supposed to fly to New Mexico to see a neurologist with a specialty in Lyme. My pain is too bad that I just canceled the trip. I will first need to do some kind of pain treatment to take the edge off, then I will try again. Please pray for direction as to which treatment to pursue.

I recently finished an excellent book called How Long, O Lord by DA Carson. It is written about the problem of evil and suffering. I am also really enjoying a new worship cd called Every Falling Tear by Matt Hammitt. I highly recommend them both.

If you are in the neighborhood, I would love for you stop by and visit!!

The Gift of Time

2011-11-08T15:03:00.000-08:00

Since the baptism and beach festivities my pain has kicked up intolerably. I can't take a few steps without screaming pain. I've been glued to the couch for days on end now. I had plans to fly to New Mexico yesterday, but had to cancel because a long trip was out of the question. This circumstance is such a bummer and I am entirely over the whole thing.

Fortunately I have been blessed by loads of visitors lately. I recently began to pray that the Lord would provide people who had free time and were able to come to me. A few weeks ago my friend Bri brought her bible study over to my house. I instantly had 10+ new friends. A handful of them have already stopped by. The socialization, broken monotony of long days and fellowship has been really sweet.

movie night at my house

The Lord has given me the gift of time. Unlike most everyone else my days are not packed with activity or busyness. On the one hand, I am so happy I can spend my days reading and pouring into relationships, but on the other, I abhor the boredom and round-the-clock pain. However, I am trying to be faithful with this time; it is a gift and I may never have free time like this again. With my free time I decided to power through a 1200 page Systematic Theology book. I am on page 160. So good so far!! I've also decided to audit a class or two at Eternity, Cornerstone's bible school, next semester. I am really excited about that prospect.

As always, please continue to pray for relief from pain and for direction. Let me know if you've read anything good lately that you think is worth passing on. I pray blessings and a rich relationship with Christ over you.

Baptism!!

2011-11-03T11:54:00.000-07:00

On Sunday my dad and I were baptized at the beach! It was such a sweet time and I was so blessed.

I'm sore from my day at the beach because I had to be carried to and from the water. I felt a little like the paralytic who was lowered through the roof by his friends to seek healing from Jesus!

I am still having severe hip, shoulder and feet pain. The Lord is on the throne and bigger than my problems!!

No to Fear, Yes to Jesus

2011-10-03T22:49:00.000-07:00

My pain has gotten worse in my feet and it is now in my shoulders as well. I am totally debilitated. Despite this, I actually feel like I have more hope than ever. More Jesus has really helped my heart. Once I surrendered the fears and lies, I ran back into my Abba's arms. If only Abba would make whole physically...

I have been in a wheelchair for over two years now. When my feet started acting up, my dream of walking, strolling through foreign cities, seemed so much farther away than usual. The fear gets to me. I have to continually lay my dreams and desires at the foot of Jesus.

I am looking into treatment/second opinions with two new Lyme docs- one in Albuquerque and one near Seattle. I already made my New Mex appt, but the other doc will take six months to get into. I am claiming this promise from the Lord (Psalm 32:8):

"I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.

I will advise you and watch over you."

Thank you for praying for me. Your prayers truly sustain me; I feel them.

Scout and I just celebrated our 4th anniversary!!

Tomorrow

2011-09-27T19:59:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow I am having more nerve burns-- this time under anesthesia. I will also be having shots in the bottom of my foot for the new pain. I have got to think that will hurt. At least I will be out!! All this is happening at 11. Please pray for quick healing afterwards!!

"Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord." Ps. 31:24

Let it Bring You Praise

2011-09-24T13:14:00.000-07:00

I have been clinging to the words of a song called "Let it Bring You Praise" (http://www.worshiptogether.com/songs/songdetail.aspx?iid=1855833). Click the upper left play but to listen. I am really trying to rest in the Lord, but it has never been such a battle. My pain continues to worsen and I have never felt so hopeless.

I has been an eye opening week. The Lord has revealed to me the idol I have made of healing. I have allowed seeds of bitterness and hopelessness to choke out the joy I have in the Lord. It is hard to explain, but I am doing a lot of cleaning house in my heart. Expectations of healing, the poison of comparison and a lack of surrender and rest in the Lord have left me in despair. I am working hard to correct my thinking and my feelings, but it is difficult.

No matter if I receive healing today, tomorrow, or never, I must trust in God. He is all I have and all I can count on.

I woke up a few days ago with severe muscles pain in the arches of my feet. With each passing moment I am fearful that a new pain pattern is being set up and this foot pain will now be a problem. I cannot give into fear, however. Fear steals my joy, and I need my joy so badly right now.

I had 13 shots for pain recently. Now that the initial injection site pain has worn off, I am hopeful that I will see some change. I have an appointment with my pain doc on Monday. Please be praying for continued wisdom, revelation, hope and joy. I have never so badly needed the body.

Thank you for being so faithful.

fire!

2011-08-11T15:35:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went down to LA for some "nerve burns." This is different from a nerve block. In the previous blocks I've had the nerve is anesthetized and temporarily numbed with meds. The burns are a better choice because they may be permanent. For some reason, maybe to save an almighty buck, I opted out of anesthesia. This meant I was screaming through treatment, squeezing Javier's hand (my nurse), and doing that quick mouth breathing like a woman in labor.

I received multiple (30-50) burns on 7 different areas of my body. And today, I am very sore. Due to the burning sensation I felt, I would have assumed that my skin was seared off. But no, it's all there. The treatment is supposed to a) burn nerve endings and b) create inflammation so my body can naturally respond to the inflammation and heal itself.

I'm prayerful this will work. The technology is very, very new. It will replace some surgeries and some treatments for pain (ie prolo therapy). Now I wait. For about 2 weeks to be exact. I can't do anything to exert myself nor can I take any anti-inflams because the treatment requires inflammation. I am trying not to eat my pain meds as if it were delicious candy. And every once-in-a-while I slowly flip onto my back or stomach to keep my muscles from tightening.

blessings. b.

Hi friends!!

2011-07-26T15:04:00.000-07:00

The summer months are quickly passing and I haven't posted in ages.

I've been doing really well lately. Aquatic therapy has helped leaps and bounds. I've even discovered a passion for swimming in the midst of it. My body is a lot stronger. I am up and walking around most of the time. Today is my first bad day in weeks. The bad days are such a bummer now because I know how great the good days are. I hope that makes sense. I've driven twice! Only about a mile, but it was a victory indeed.

I am finishing up two online classes, Spanish and Photoshop. My family is currently planning an August vacation to Hawaii. This will be vacay in about 5 years. I am so excited.

The Lord has been doing such a work in my heart and mind. I have a new passion and vigor for life!! I choose life!! This mindset change, a gift from God, has been such a blessing. I feel alive again. I feel hopeful again. I want to be "sent out" by God, but I am just waiting for his timing.

I am not healed or cured by any means. The Lyme is still very active and for some reason, is unaffected by meds. Pain is what I continue to treat. I have a bunch of nerve blocks scheduled for August 10th. The docs will burn the heck out of my nerves to take away the pain... hopefully for good.

Please continue to pray. Pray away the pain!! I'm faith waiting and faith walking.

Graduation!!

2011-05-28T12:53:00.000-07:00

On Saturday, May 14th, I graduated from California Lutheran University. Oddly enough my dad graduated from the same stage 30ish years ago when the school was a called CLC instead of CLU.

The days leading up to graduation were filled with excitement and nerves. On the previous Saturday I was with my family at Azusa Pacific University for my brother's graduation. I was in too much pain to sit through the ceremony, so I laid on a blanket on the grass. With this is mind, I wondered how I would sit through my own ceremony. Thanks to a powerful pain drug and the help of the CLU's disability office, my day went so well!!

A few days before graduation I met with the disability coordinator and we discussed ways to aid me on my big day. Thankfully I didn't have to walk with my peers from one part of campus to the other; I joined in as procession entered the stadium. Due to my need to prop my legs up, I was placed on the edge of the second row and the seat in front of me faced backwards so I could rest my legs. Because I knew where I would be sitting during the ceremony, my dad knew where our family should sit so they could get the best view possible.

Graduation day had finally arrived. I got myself all dialed up and put on my new graduation dress. My mom drove me to the campus where the rest of my family had saved seats. I checked in and waited for my peers to come marching by. As soon as they came, I left my wheelchair and walked strength and pride to my seat. I looked over to my right and saw my family's smiling faces in the front row. The whole thing was very surreal. My thoughts were not on the ceremony, the speaker, or my peers; I spent the time praising God and celebrating with my family.

When the ceremony ended, I was wheeled over to my family and was met with hugs, tears and beautiful flowers. We took a lot of pictures and then headed to my favorite local restaurant, Pizzasalad, for some gluten-free pizza. Lunch was wonderful, filled with laughter and love. I had been going for 8 hours and I was exhausted.

At home, I got some ice and hopped in bed. A few hours later my mom told me it was present time. I had no idea what was to come. There was a huge wrapped box. I opened it up and found all kinds of home and kitchen treasures wrapped up for the exciting day that I am well enough to move out of my parent's home. I was so humbled by my family's generosity and the goodness of God that I couldn't help by cry. After I opened all the stuff inside the big box, my dad handed me a page of different hope chests from Lane Furniture; Lauren and I have really wanted hope chests to fill with special things for the day that we get married. My dad said I could pick out anyone I wanted. I lost it. None of life's recent circumstances have been worthy of celebration. My graduation day was THE CELEBRATION of the decade. I felt like a princess living a fairy tale. Something good, happy, exciting, victorious, etc. had finally happened and my family lived it up with me.

There is nothing I would have changed about that day. It was perfect (aside from pain) and I will cherish it forever. God knew how badly I needed such a day as this and he pulled out no stops.

I can't change the past or go back in time and somehow graduate in 2008 like I had planned. Instead, God brought a huge sense of victory and relief to my graduation day, this I would not have experienced had I graduated earlier. I know the sweet taste of victory, of overcoming, and there is nothing better. I share this victory with everyone in my life and all those who have prayed for me; God is Faithful.

I still have three classes to take this summer in order to get my diploma in August. Please pray for motivation to get this work done!!!

Win a Copy of Mika

2011-04-20T21:19:00.001-07:00

Go to: http://www.myfourmonkeys.com/2011/04/my-four-monkeys-story-time-mika-by.html

And follow the instructions.

Angie, the author of My Four Monkey's wrote a great review of Mika!

Thanks Angie!!

Kind, Creative Friends

2011-04-18T16:56:00.000-07:00

I met Lora somewhere in the online world. I think it happened when I commented on her necklaces posted on Etsy. Lora and I became instant friends and followers of each others' blog. Recently, Lora told me she wanted to make me a necklace of my choice. I asked her to stamp "Beloved" on a copper necklace. I wasn't feeling very beloved at the time, and figured this would be a good reminder of God's never-ending and never changing love.

I love the necklace. It was such a sweet and thoughtful gift.

A few weeks ago I asked Lora to make a necklace for my girlfriend with the word "Redeemed." It turned out so beautiful. and I totally lucked out because Lora's first version was smaller than the one I had asked for, so she gave me the small one. I put it on a necklace and it looks amazing. P.S. My friend loves her necklace. God has done such a redemptive work in her life, and as I said earlier, the stamped necklaces are such great reminders.

You can find Lora at: http://eagerhands.blogspot.com/ and check out her Etsy shop!

About a week ago I asked a longtime family friend to paint a phrase on my graduation cap. She is such a talented artist and I am truly in awe of her gift. Her home is adorned with her beautiful artwork. Walking through it, I felt like I was in a museum. My friend, also named Brittany, whipped out the cap in no time at all. AND I LOVE IT!!!

You can find Brittany at: http://artbybritt.blogspot.com/ She has an Etsy shop as well.

Thank you Lora and Britt for these beautiful blessings!!

TMS is OVER

2011-04-18T16:28:00.000-07:00

I am so happy to say that I finished my fifth week of TMS therapy. I am feeling a little bit better, and I am supposed to see more improvement in the coming weeks.

I will miss my Iranian technicians, Bahareh and Bobby. From this treatment I received lessons in science in the Iranian culture, friendship, and my soon to be revealed healing.

Me and my Persian friend, Bahareh

The countless daily discoveries made in science, especially neurology, are truly incredible. A second generation machine has already been built. It has the capability of targeting addictions and suffering, the same way it targeted my pain. These little steps that the doctors are making will never compare God's complete understanding of the human brain and its workings. TMS, like many of my other treatments, offered me a platform to share with the unbelieving world about the most high God.

Please include me in your prayers over the next few weeks. Please pray that healing washes over me. I yearn for independence and long for this season to change.

Thank you.

Let Me Tell You About TMS

2011-03-19T14:22:00.000-07:00

This is what it is:
The magnet in the machine sends out pulses that tap on my head. The technician works on three different areas: two of the areas need to be suppressed and the other area needs to be activated. Depending on what the site needs, the pulses are either constant or fast and painful.

This is what it looks like:

This is what is feels like:

(woodpecker)

Each day after treatment, I go home with a severe headache and crawl into bed. My brain is essentially getting a work out. As a result, I am left exhausted. And, the pulses are so strong that my jaw chatters about as if I were freezing. Gauze helps this problem.

Again, everyday for 90 min for 4-6 weeks. I have been so blessed by drivers this week.

And by the Lord's faithfulness.

Finally, this is me getting ready to start (my mom is the photog):

All for Him

2011-03-13T17:07:00.000-07:00

This week has been a busy one and a physically painful one.

* Monday, I was interviewed on a TV program sponsored by Cal State Dominguez Hills

with Neal, my illustrator, about Mika  (see blog post below).

* Tuesday, I was at my neurologist's office all day and night for an MRI (the MRI was 3

hours alone). I also learned about the new treatment I will be receiving and what it entails;

driving down to Santa Monica for the next four to six weeks to have the connections in my

brain properly altered. This starts tomorrow. I am excited and also a little nervous. Please

be praying for no side effects and the removal of pain!!!

* Wednesday, my mom and I road-tripped up to San Jose to see my Lyme doc. I will be

having a biopsy of my tendons to see what is going on in there. It will be tricky making

the connections with a rheumatologist, surgeon, and the two labs that I need to send my

tissue samples to. Please by praying for smooth sailing.

* Thursday, mom and I drove home.

* Friday-Sunday, in bed with a lot of pain from all my travels. Unfortunately, this meant that

I had to skip a stellar costume party on Saturday and tonight, a fundraiser for Child Hope

(the org that sponsors the orphanage in Mika), with my family.

This morning, I received news that a friend suffering from cancer had finally succumbed

to the disease. My heart aches for the ones he left behind. I look forward to joining him

and Jesus one day.

I sent out an email asking for help driving to my appointments in Santa Monica. I am so

blessed that I could call on friends. My first week of rides is covered!

And for my last bit of news...

Me and three other students received this email from the Political Science Department

at Cal Lu;

It is our sincere pleasure to inform you that you have been nominated for Departmental

Distinction from the Political Science department based on your impressive academic

achievements and leadership. In the next few weeks, you should be receiving an

invitation to the Honors Banquet where you will be recognized for your outstanding work

as in the field of Political Science and the department. Please let us know if you do not

receive an invitation by the end of March. Congratulations on your well deserved

distinction! We are looking forward to celebrating your accomplishments at the Honors

Banquet in April. 

How sweet the Lord is!

Right now I feel like I am barely surviving.

I am trying to live my life for Jesus and I pray for healing along the way.

15 Min

2011-03-07T14:21:00.000-08:00

You can watch the show I was on today promoting Mika:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MvBRw6F04Lg

MIKA

2011-02-27T15:09:00.000-08:00

Well, for those of you who do not know, I wrote and published a children's book!!

The book is about a Haitian orphan named Mika who lives a life of destitute poverty. My goal in writing this story was to educate today's youth on orphanhood and poverty, all the while highlighting God's love and mercy.

You may be wondering how this came about. Let me tell you... Last June (during my long stint or bed rest), I was approached by an artist from my church (Reality), who wanted to enlist my help in a project he was working on. The artist, Neal, told me he wanted to create a children's book. He had this idea to focus on one country at a time and write a fictional story based on real life events of the children living in that country. With its recent devastation, Neal selected Haiti as the first country. He then asked if I wanted to write the story and he would illustrate my words! This feat seemed overwhelming. I had never done anything like it before. As I look back, I see this opportunity as a gracious gift from God.

I buckled down and began writing and writing and writing, I wrote many drafts from the confines of my bed. Writing Mika's story allowed me to temporarily escape my world and enter in to another. I finally had a purpose and I felt useful for the first time in years. As I began finishing my last draft, Neal started the illustration process. He also created a publishing company called Little Ones of the Nations. Because he did not have the experience and because I had all the time in the world, I researched the printing, publication and marketing process.

We have a beautiful book and a website that is a work in progress. The book is available on Amazon and on our website.

http://littleonesofnations.com/
http://www.amazon.com/Mika-Orphans-Story-Faith-Hope/dp/0615419526/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1298847770&sr=8-2

Hooray! I give all the glory to God!!

Neal and I will be guests on a local LA tv program called "People who Make a Difference." We film next Monday.

No longer a HERMIT

2011-02-27T14:54:00.000-08:00

I have felt like such a hermit lately. I haven't left my house since my nerve blocks on Wednesday.

Even though I was feeling terrible this morning, I decided to go to church anyway. I got ready and was exhausted. "I'm not going," I told my mom. Then the hermit-ness started setting in again.

I threw on some clothes, grabbed my bible and my make up bag. I figured I would just sit in the cry room with the mommas and babies. If I needed to cry, at least I would be in the appropriate setting.

I am so glad I went. It was such a gift to be surrounded by my brothers and sisters. The best part was that I got to lie down during church. That was actually the second best part. The best part was that my pastor spoke about my life verse today; Galatians 2:20 "I have been crucified with Christ and it is I who no longer lives, but Christ who lives in me. The life I live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me."

I have some VERY busy weeks ahead of me. Please pray for the Lord's favor on my hectic days. And, please continue to pray that my pain goes away!!

Thanks!!

My face hurts

2011-02-23T17:13:00.000-08:00

I thought I was going to have just two injections for the nerve block in my jaw, but the four teeny circle band aids tell me I was wrong. MY FACE HURTS!!

As soon as I woke up from anesthesia (coma drug), I carefully slipped my hand out of the layers of blankets and raised it in the air. This classic gesture is oh-so-universal. A nurse came over to me. "Do you need something?" she asked. All I could say was, "dad." "Oh, okay," she said, "I'll call him." I don't know why, but I just really wanted someone to hold my hand. I sang the chorus to the Beattles' "Hand my Hand" over and over again in my mind and remembered a chapel I sat through at Westmont years ago when a guest speaker somehow worked the lyrics into his sermon...

Time had passed and my dad still wasn't there. I couldn't talk and I had ice on next to my face and on my forehead. I looked as if I had some "work" done.

A came to check on me again and I grabbed her hand. She stayed for a moment, but then left. Finally, the voice (of God) came on the speaker and said, "Brittany's dad is here." YEEEESSSSS. Someone to hold my hand. He came in, talked with my surgeon/neurologist and held my hand. As the anesthesia wore off, the pain started screaming at me. I am not one to take pain meds, but this occasion called for some heavy duty stuff. It didn't do a whole lot of good. I went from a "10" to a "9."

I am now at home with ice, sore cheeks and a the strength of a worm. I can't wait for all of this to be behind me one day. Come back and right every wrong, Jesus!

Today I had my first experience with frozen yogurt (remember, I am gluten, sugar, dairy free). LOVED IT. Now I know why there is a fro yo shop on every corner.

Please pray that this block goes to work quickly (and for a matter of fact the one I had done last week as well), that the injection sites calm down, that I will be able to sleep tonight, that I won't need anymore pain meds.

I am doing us all a favor and not posting any pictures.

When there is a will there is a way

2011-02-19T12:22:00.000-08:00

I had two nerve blocks done on Wednesday for the pain in my hips. The injection site is no longer sore and I can now lay on my back.

I am so excited for these babies to start working (it can take up to 6 weeks). But first, I have to deal with the unending anesthesia that makes me loopy, tired, easily overstimulated and gives me blurry vision. After my procedure, my doc put me back on Ketamine (the coma drug). I have to be on it for two weeks. It's really difficult to keep up with my school work because I can barely read. I have a paper due Tuesday! YIKES!! I am going to push through my weird drug reactions and write the paper anyway.

Now that the local areas of pain have been covered (I will have a jaw never block next week), I need to do something for my over all sensitivity. That would either be a 5 or 10 day Ketamine infusion or a brand new treatment called TMS. With the help of a highly specialized MRI machine, doctors can pinpoint the areas in my brain of hyper active pain and kill them with a magnet (TMS). To date, there are no contraindications, it is very expensive and is unfortunately not a permanent fix (it lasts 1-2 years). I was hoping to get started on TMS right away, but the MRI machine is being updated and won't be available for another month. I keep reminding myself that I have waited years for a breakthrough, so what's another month?

I hope all that made sense. My thoughts are poorly translated on to my keyboard.

Thank you for your prayers!!

poor communication

2011-02-09T10:14:00.000-08:00

Nerve block postponed. I have some questions, but my doctor is not getting back to me!! This is what happens when you see the top notch guys... they don't have time for you.

I'm praying I can get a quick phone appointment. We'll see!!!

Biting the Dust

2011-02-08T11:44:00.000-08:00

My neurologist recently told me that I need to start conditioning. Even though I didn't feel ready, I got in the pool. I pretty much stood in the water, barely moving, for a few minutes and then had to sit on a step. I got out and knew trouble was coming. The next day I couldn't get out of bed and I was really bummed out that I had to miss class. That was Thursday. I have had some periods of relief since then, but for some reason, my hips feel like they are on fire. "This shouldn't be happening!!" I silently scream at God.

I will be missing class again today. Tomorrow I am scheduled to have a few nerve blocks. I don't have a 100% peace about the procedure, but something needs to be done. I am considering doing hyperbaric oxygen again, a 5-day ketamine coma, and this other new treatment which uses magnets to kill pain centers in the brain.

I don't understand this, the cycle of pain, that is. I have a lot of "whys?" I look to my great pain/spiritual mentor, Joni Eareckson Tada. Philip Yancey's Prayer has been a great comfort lately. I find myself shutting God out, instead of inviting Him in. Yancey, through the Spirit, has encouraged me to bare my raw emotions to God. I am a work in process. I used to joke that after years of dealing with this, I have learned all of God's lessons. Nope. The silver lining is that I am learning now, at a young age. These truths, insights and wisdom that I have gained are of more worth than gold.

Please continue to pray for me. I am looking into USC's pain center, along with researching RSD/CRPS (these are my pain "syndromes"), and the treatments I mentioned above. Pray for my heart; that the Lord increases my ability to trust Him and that I can allow myself to rest in Him.

STOKED

2011-01-26T15:25:00.000-08:00

I am LOVING my class at CLU. What a blessing. I've been twice and have sat through the entire lecture. Afterward, my back hurts and I am exhausted, but I will eventually work up endurance.

Guess what?? I am a full time student. Besides my class, I am completing an internship with a publishing company (i'm writing a book), and I am taking an independent study course.

I will graduate THIS spring!!!!!!!!!!!! And then take 10 units over the summer. STOKED.

Doctors and Teachers

2011-01-23T12:55:00.000-08:00

I saw my Lyme doc yesterday. He still feels like he's missing a crucial component to my healing. Lyme shouldn't take 3 years to treat. I'm seeing one of the best doc's in the country, so I don't know what to do. It doesn't help to see him every month and hear, "I'm missing something." I want to yell, "Figure it out!"

I went to Cal Lutheran on Thursday and sat through a 2 hour class. It went extremely well. I was able to sit the whole time (with my legs propped up) and my professor is a gift from God. She is extremely sympathetic. I am having a lot of arm pain, which makes writing papers and taking notes impossible. Please pray for my arms as I set out on this scholastic adventure!

News: request prayer

2011-01-19T14:00:00.000-08:00

I am still having bad jaw pain. It started to get better, but after singing praise songs at church on Sunday (YES! I made it to chruch!), my pain came back. Ice, heat, ice, heat, stretch, repeat.

Tomorrow (Thursday), I have an appointment at Cedars for jaw pt and then, DUN DUN DUN, my dad is taking me to CLU and I am going to try to sit through a class. The class starts at 2 and ends at 3:50. Sitting, especially for long periods of time, is usually painful and very uncomfortable. Honestly, I am a little afraid. I'm praying that I can make it through and then register for this class, but I trust that God will do what is best. I haven't been in a classroom in a long time. There is a nervous/excited energy associated with my return.

I want to turn over a new leaf. In the past, classroom experiences have been bad. IE I've been in so much pain that I've had to drop out of school. Please pray that I would not have any pain tomorrow and that I would hear the Lord clearly directing me on whether I am ready to take a class or not.

This is a shout out to girlfriends I have left behind in Seattle

Direction

2011-01-09T15:47:00.000-08:00

Friends,

I need more prayer. My jaw continues to hurt and I am driving down to Cedar Sinai twice a week (an hour and a half each way) for physical therapy. Please pray for complete healing of my jaw. I so badly want my jaw to be healed.

Also, I will be seeing my neurologist on the 21th and my Lyme doc on the 22nd. Please be praying for wisdom for these upcoming appts. After my last neuro appt, my doc wanted to wait a few weeks before pursing more treatment. There are two possibilities, but really I just want Jesus to heal me.

Thank you!!
Britt

Another Party!!

2011-01-09T15:41:00.000-08:00

My friend Jessica and I hosted an all girls party last night. It was a blast.

The best news: I feel pretty good today after my late night.

Lauren, Me and Jessica

A Girl Having Fun

2011-01-04T15:17:00.000-08:00

I was able to go to a New Year's Eve Party (last year) and it was so fun.

My friend Bri and I went together.

I felt good going in, but by 9:30, I was BEAT, yet content.

Parties and people are so fun. I am enjoying dipping my feet in the social pool.

Conclusions

2010-12-30T18:55:00.000-08:00

Thanks for your prayers!! I was able to make quick contact with my doctor in the midst of the holiday busyness and my appointment was a success. Part of the reason I was feeling so sick was due to a drug withdrawal. I didn't know I needed to taper off slowly and instead, instantly stopped one of my meds. To fix this, I am make on that med and have a new stopping protocol.

After I finished the 3 day pain treatment, I was put on a oral version of the same med that was being infused. Because of my intense pain, I was put back on that oral med (Ketamine).

Now, my flu is almost gone, withdrawals are dunzo and my pain has gone down a bit. I'm a new woman!!

"So Peter was kept in prison, but the church was earnestly praying to God for him." Acts 12:5

Again, thank you for praying for me while I was in my own personal prison.

Appt Today... Wisdom Needed

2010-12-28T10:58:00.000-08:00

Please be praying that the Lord enlightens my doc. My pain has come back and I have no clue what to do. Good thing it's not on me. Appointment at 3:30.

Christmas

2010-12-26T12:02:00.000-08:00

Christmas this year has been rough. I have the flu and I hip pain.

I faxed my doctor regarding my pain on Thursday. I didn't hear back. Each day since, I wait for Monday to come around when I can call my doc. Please pray we make a connection on Monday (which is also my dad's birthday). I was really hoping the 3 day "conscious sedation" treatment was going to do away with my hip pain. But, seeing as that did not happen, I need to find a different solution.

In the midst of my discomfort, I asked that my family pray for me. Everyone stopped what they were doing and came to lay hands on me. We wept in utter confusion and despair. My mom prayed that God would provide a cure and not just a band aid. Please join us in this prayer.

Nonetheless, my family celebrated Christ's birthday with joy and thanksgiving. In so many ways we are entirely blessed.

Thank you, Lord!!

2010-12-26T11:27:00.000-08:00

"No matter what goes down, THE day is coming when Christ is coming to right every wrong, no matter how wrong it is." Britt Merrick

The Joy of Gospel Citizenship http://realitymessages.com/

Prayer NEEDED

2010-12-24T10:50:00.000-08:00

Hi Friends,
I am lying in bed. I can't walk, crawl or even sit. I REALLY don't want to spend Christmas like this. My hips burn like fire. But, what hurts most is my heart. I'm discouraged. I don't want to be secluded in my room- I want to be with my family. Please intercede for me.
Thank you.
Merry CHRISTmas!

VERY SORE

2010-12-21T09:07:00.000-08:00

Sore, sore, sore; I am very sore. Everything went as good as it could have yesterday (Thank you Jesus!). My jaw joints were very dry, so the doc had to lube them up with what my dad calls "healing water." I am praying this is the end of my jaw troubles....

Please pray for a quick recovery. I can talk, but I can't chew. Swallowing food is BORING!

I am so grateful for all my dear friends and blog readers. Bless you!!

TOMORROW'S GIG

2010-12-19T17:59:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow I will be having an arthrocentesis procedure at 2:30. The surgeon is going to clear out the arthritis in my joint.

Please pray for reduced pain outcome, the Lord's hand over the doctor, peace for myself and my parents and continued healing with everything else.

I've been in bed all day with pain and am pretty discouraged.

Bless you all.

B's BIG Night Out

2010-12-19T09:24:00.000-08:00

I wasn't sure I could do it... but I did. I went to a Christmas party for an hour and a half!! I was exhausted when I got home, but this is coming from a girl who spent the last year of her life in bed.

THANK YOU JESUS FOR THIS VICTORY!!!

JOY

2010-12-17T11:42:00.000-08:00

I just finished listening to Britt's latest message with tears running down my face becasue my pain is bad this morning.

This is what I got from the message:

“You must submit to supreme suffering in order to

discover the completion of joy”

John Calvin

Ok, Lord, you've brought the suffering... now I could use some JOY

News

2010-12-16T13:07:00.000-08:00

My doctor appointment went well... I think. He was hopeful, I was discouraged. Ketmamine, the mediation I had infused, and am now taking orally, has been compounded into a cream. I will be rubbing that onto my trouble spots. Before the IV, my avg pain was an 8. Post Ketamine, my avg pain is a 5. My doctor sees this as great improvement, but it's not as much as I was hoping for.

I was really hoping he could deaden the nerves the cause me the most pain. That may come, but first he wants to see how I do on the few days of oral med and the cream as well.

He gave me some instructions as to how I should "enter" back into life. I have been home, out of school, with a dismal social life for a while. Now, that I am feeling a bit better, I need to slowly put my toes in the water instead of jumping in head first. I have registered for a class at CLU and my parents have graciously decided to drive me, until I can drive myself.

My days are weird right now. I deal with headaches, light sensitivity, nausea, and a over drugged-feeling. I don't accomplish much- I mostly watch movies. There is a Christmas party on Saturday that I have been invited to. I want to go so badly. Please be praying for this victory.

Also, on Monday, I will be having a procedure done called arthrocentesis to clear out arthritis in both my jaws (this issue is unrelated to the others). Please be praying for quick recovery and that this pain doesn't effect my other pain. Afterward, I will be going to Cedar Sinai for physical therapy 2x/week for a few weeks. Please pray for grace, mercy, God's touch and His favor.

I asked my doc if more coma-type infusions of Ketamine would help even more, but he advised that I save that money for a relapse. PRAY AGAINST RELAPSES!!

Doctor Check In Tomorrow

2010-12-13T18:36:00.001-08:00

Tomorrow I will be seeing my neurologist at 3:15. Please be praying for wisdom and direction.

Also, I still have my eyes on school. It starts Jan 17th-ish. PRAY,PRAY,PRAY!

"I did what?"

2010-12-13T18:32:00.000-08:00

Keep in mind that the drug I was on (and still am taking orally), creates an out of body experience. As you may recall, I do not remember much of what happened. Unlike most of the patients who go through this treatment, I was relatively quiet in my bed and did not move around a lot.

I don’t drink, or use drugs, so I hated all of this. My doctor told me to listen to Pink Floyd in order to “heighten” my trip. I stuck with praise music and Taylor Swift.

Something I remember was telling my nurse she was very pretty. “That’s just the drugs talking, honey,” she responded.

Twice, at night, I’ve been so disoriented in the bathroom that I’ve fallen into the bathtub. My mom now tells me to wake her up if I need anything at night.

On my last night at the surgical center, I was so hungry from not eating anything in days, that I inhaled a ton of those plastic packets of Saltines. This is weird for me because I keep a strict sugar, gluten and dairy free diet. I wouldn’t cheat on this diet for my first child. But there I was, eating Saltines. My mom couldn’t open the packets fast enough for me.

Then, after checking out, we got in the car and headed home. My dad was hungry, so we stopped at In-n-Out. Still very much out of it, I started eating his fries. SOUND THE ALARM!!! Eating fries is a huge deal for me- something that hasn't been done in years. But, I had the “munchies” and there was no stopping me. We even stopped at a gas station for more saltines.

Finally at home, my mom asked what I wanted for dinner; “frozen yogurt,” I replied. Unbeknownst to me, my mom came home with my frozen yogurt (it’s more like a smoothie) and a whole bag of fries from Carl’s Jr. I started hand-to-mouthing my food immediately. According to my dad, he went up stairs for a moment, and when he came down the fries were gone. I was so exhausted that I then went to bed.

The next morning, still very foggy and slow, my parents recounted everything that had happened. To this day, I have no memory of eating any fries, especially a whole bag, and especially from Carl’s Jr. It's the strangest thing. I'd swear they were lying, but I do remember bits and pieces of the Saltine incident. And I know they wouldn't make up the extravagant story about the fries.

While explaining my first day of treatment, my dad said the following words, “one moment you were laughing, the next you were crying, then you were singing.” Then came my horrified response- “I did what?? The doctors and nurses heard me singing and crying?”

See the pictures below, you’ll get the idea. Me at my worst...

The end

Recovery

2010-12-12T19:18:00.001-08:00

Today was the first day that I didn’t feel completely like a head injury victim. I still fall down, lose my balance and trip over things, but my mind feels clearer.

I am no longer asking questions like, “what happened?” or “why did this happen?” I think that means the amnesia is beginning to wear off. I still don’t remember the 4 hours of infusion or the post-op recovery.

I’ve been laying low these last few days in bed. The oral drug I’m taking is one people use on the streets to get high. I'm not high, but I am extremely tired and scared at times. I’m also very lonely. Visitors are too stimulating, but I do miss people interaction.

I am not sleeping well, which makes everything 10x worse. The backs of my legs are still hurting; it’s so uncomfortable being in bed all day.

My hips hurt too. So much so, that I will see my neurologist on Tues to discuss other options. I have no idea what will happen next (nerve blocks, more Ketamine?)

I can’t read my bible, because my vision is still so blurry, and my brain doesn’t feel sharp enough to stay on track praying. I know God is with me, but He feels so far away right now. Please pray for communion with Him and His divine touch. Pray that God directs my docs to the best treatment possible, pray that I find purpose in my days. Pray for NO MORE PAIN!!!

Each day gets easier in some ways. But, it also gets harder because of the lingering presence of hip pain.

This has been such a foreign and difficult situation, but despite it all, there has been joy and humor. I will tell you about that next time.

My heart will chose to say, Lord blessed be your Name

I will Praise You in this Storm

2010-12-10T10:09:00.000-08:00

Hello friends,

I wish I could tell you all that has happened over the last few, but I can only remember bits and pieces. I was given some drugs pre-op for sedation (counteract possible hallucinations). As a result, I have a minor form of amnesia. This made yesterday very difficult, confusing and scary. I needed my mom to constantly replay and reaffirm what happened.

I would love to say that I am 100% pain free, but my hips still hurt and the backs of my legs are tight for lying in bed for a week. If my hip pain doesn’t go away, my anesthesiologist said my neurologist will have some tricks- nerve block/abrasion.

God blessed me with some amazing nurses.

My vision is not back yet. Everything is blurry; this makes typing and reading nearly impossible. It’s also too hard to watch movies right now- the noise, colors and other stimuli are extremely overwhelming.

I’m sorry for my erratic thought pattern. Things are flying around in my head and I can’t put them together. Because I am a petite girl and because I was given so many drugs, these side effects may last awhile.

Please pray for my hips, my tight muscles, discouragement and clarity.

I still want to go to school in January, but I’m in the Lord’s hands.

Thank you for diligently praying, Many of your prayers were answered.

That’s all I have for now.

Yesterday...

2010-12-07T04:53:00.000-08:00

Ready for round two this morning. Yesterday was a whirlwind. It felt like both the longest and shortest day of my life. Thank you for your prayers. I didn't have any hallucinations, which I was afraid of, but recovery took me 5 hours. It was definitely a long day for my parents. Be blessed! The Lord moves!!

I will try to have my dad post on my other blog: http://prayforbrit.wordpress.com/

This Is Not My Life

2010-12-05T16:01:00.000-08:00

I've been checking my email practically every hour, hoping to see an email from my doctor.

I needed to distract myself, so I picked up my devotional and read a prayer in Jeremiah 10:23-

"I know, oh Lord, that a man's life is not his own;

it is not for man to direct his steps."

I echoed similar sentiments to the Lord; asking for His will as to whether I start treatment this week or the next.

For some reason I looked over to my laptop and saw that I had a message. It was the doctor!! In response to my email, he said "all should be fine!!" YAAAYYYYY!!!

PLEASE continue praying for healing over my flu and swollen foot. Please also be praying for safe travel down to LA at 4:30am tomorrow, wisdom for my doc, safety, and HEALING.

Thank you so much for your intercession!!

The hand of God is moving!!

Doctor, doctor, give me the news

2010-12-05T10:52:00.001-08:00

I will be emailing my doctor in a few hours and telling him about my flu and my minor foot thing. he may pull the plug for tomorrow's treatment.

Please pray for healing and also that my doctor will still give me the green light!!

This little piggy went to the hospital

2010-12-04T12:01:00.001-08:00

Yep... I was in the ER this morning. It turns out I have an infection on my foot. I was given some antibiotics and sent home. Hopefully these will help soon.

My flu is not good. I have a fever, weakness and nausea. PLEASE, PLEASE pray is goes away by Sunday night. Otherwise, I will have to cancel my treatment.

Flu...????

2010-12-03T17:16:00.000-08:00

I think I'm getting the flu!!!!

Please pray it goes away so I can proceed with treatment on Monday.

Glory be to God

2010-12-03T08:30:00.000-08:00

This is how I feel this morning: God is going to come through for me, but even if He does not, I will still praise Him.

From Daniel 3

Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to him, “King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”

...“Look! I see four men walking around in the fire, unbound and unharmed, and the fourth looks like a son of the gods.”

...So Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego came out of the fire, and the satraps, prefects, governors and royal advisers crowded around them. They saw that the fire had not harmed their bodies, nor was a hair of their heads singed; their robes were not scorched, and there was no smell of fire on them.

BIG Prayer Need!!

2010-12-02T16:37:00.000-08:00

I will be starting a new treatment next week and I could really use your prayers. My doctors are now of the opinion that the Lyme has turned on a pain pattern that will not stop on it's own. In some cases of chronic pain, after the initial injury has been treated, the brain continues to send pain signals. For example, after amputations, some people continue to have pain or get itchy on their amputated limb.

My brain has set up a pain pattern.

On Monday, Tues, and Wed of next week, I will undergo a treatment to "reboot" my brain and hopefully stop the pain. I will be given a drug that is normally used as anesthesia for surgery, but I will get it at a higher dose. The procedure is called conscious sedation. By allowing my brain to rest/turn off, I am praying I will wake up with no more pain.

I will receive the drug for 4 hours, then it will stop and I will wake. I will go home afterward and repeat this again on Tues and Wed.

Please be praying for me, specifically against anxiety (I'm scared!), against yucky side effects, protection over my organs, and of course, NO MORE PAIN!

I continue to pray, "Lord, if you don't want me to do this, tell me and I will pull the plug on this." But, I haven't gotten that sense. I feel like He has led me here.

Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”

The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.
It is good for a man to bear the yoke
while he is young. Lamentations 3:22-27

Heart help

2010-12-02T16:09:00.000-08:00

Please pray for my heart. Tick-tick-tick-tick-tick....

It's been racing for the last few days.

This added stressor is so hard on my body.

Thank you.

Hot hips

2010-11-24T19:48:00.001-08:00

I over did it.

On Tuesday, I played in the front yard with my dog twice AND made muffins. Now, I am lying in bed, unable to move. My hip joints and the surrounding muscles are terribly inflamed. Fire balls are what my joints feel like. I will be on bed rest until the inflammation calms down (this may take a while). I’m bummed because my brother and sister are home for the holiday. I would really like to be up and about, hanging out with them.
Please pray for a miracle. I’m miserable today. After a few days of this, it starts to take a toll on my heart.

It’s that time of the year again. Another school semester is on its way. I am registering for classes at Cal Lu again. If I went full time, I could graduate in May!! Please pray that I can make in to campus for Jan 17th classes. What a victory that would be, but I feel so far away from it.

Yesterday

2010-11-16T12:49:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I posted the following plea for intercession on the prayforbrit blog:

"I have 3 appts at Cedar Sinai today. Please be praying my body holds up and that I can make it through the day without pain!!"

The last time that I had three appts in one day, I ended up in tears and barely made it through the last one. Needless to say, I was dreading the worst.

My sweet friend Bri drove me down to LA and the appts began.

When I got home, I posted this praise on the blog:

"Thank you so much for interceding on my behalf. The day went so fantastically well. My appointments were good and my body held up. I had very little pain. After the appts, I was doing so well that my kind driver-friend and I went to PF Changs!! What a huge blessing!! Despite the long day, I really had fun. Thank you, again."

I feel like I am turning the corner and starting to feel better again. This time, I will be more careful not to over do it.

"Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens." Psalm 68:19

Saving Grace

2010-11-12T13:52:00.001-08:00

Sitting in a car for 12 hours is surprisingly easier on my body than a 50 minute plane ride and the accompanying airport wait. That’s probably because I slept through most of the road trip.

My doctor appointment went well. I got my Lyme test back, one I initially took 2 1/2 years ago, in which I tested positive. My numbers are not as good as I would like for them to be. So, I am still on the attack. On a more positive frontier, a nasty virus that I’ve been going after for the last few months has decreased. So far in the testing process it hasn’t shown up yet. I am praying that by the time the test is over, the virus is not present at all.

My Lyme doc and neurologist are of the opinion that since I’ve had chronic pain for so many years, my brain naturally, and with out cause, sends pain signals throughout my body. So, after I finished my appointment, my doc gave me an IV of a med that, at high enough doses, resets the pain pattern in the brain. I started out at a low dose- no improvement yet. I didn’t like the drug. It made me feel terrible. I didn’t have control of my body- which I hated. I may continue this at higher doses, I am not sure yet.

Today is a pain day. Like yesterday, I plan on hanging in bed. My legs hurt really bad, mostly in the large muscles, and my hips feel like they are on fire. How will I get back on top? I want to feel like how I felt last week… But, I believe in the One who controls all of time. That is my saving grace.

Taking up the Sword

2010-11-10T13:26:00.000-08:00

You can also follow me and my prayer needs here as well- http://prayforbrit.wordpress.com/

Back with the body

2010-11-01T14:16:00.000-07:00

On Sunday, for the first time in almost a year, I went to church! That's one of the things I've missed most. It was amazing to join the body in worship. Thank you for your continued prayers.

I have a lot of appointments over the next 10 days or so. Please pray for doctor's wisdom and that my body holds up with all the busyness.

IMPROVEMENT!!!

2010-10-30T15:17:00.000-07:00

Prayer warriors,

I have seen huge improvement over the last few weeks! It is the result of one of two new meds, or a combo of both of them. For the first time in over a year I successfully wore a pair of jeans... ALL DAY! They USED to be too uncomfortable and tight around my hips. I've also been to the Oaks mall three times and out to two movies!! Yay!!! I am living and loving it!

In the midst of these great achievements, fear has crept in. Fear that I am going to get worse again. Because that is what always happens. It's been hard to counter the fear. I have practically spent the last year in bed and I don't want to go back there. I am doing the best I can to rest in God's conquering arms. Will you please join me in claiming this victory and praying against fear?

I woke up this morning with symptoms that I haven't had in a while. Namely, painful soles and super foggy thinking. Pain is worse too. I miss my yesterday self. But, there is change in the air. Thursday evening my Lifegroup prayed over my room. We did battle and everyone walked away with a sense of peace and victory. As long as I keep my eyes on the Lord, instead of circumstance, I'll be just fine.

Thank you for praying!! It's working!!

My Birthday

2010-10-17T16:36:00.000-07:00

My favorite birthday card this year-

The inside read, "I hope your birthday is as awesome as a chihuahua riding a chicken."

My grandpa and his wife surprised me and joined my family for lunch

Babcia (grandma) Jadweiga and Grandpa Jack

Polish and French... Very cultural get-togethers. I love it!

Everyone MUST See This

2010-10-10T12:14:00.000-07:00

Busy Bee

2010-09-29T14:42:00.000-07:00

A lot has happened since my "beach day" post. First of all, pain in my legs has since my big outing. I think the uneven sand was too much for my weak and atrophied muscles. Now, I mostly back to bed. I continue to have severe pain in my hips. The pain has also moved to my quads. They are so tight. This pain makes sitting even more impossible.

On another front, my jaw has been keeping me busy. I've decided to stop seeing the specialist I've invested the last 5 months and so much money in. Now I am working with Cedar-Sinai in LA. The docs there are not fans of the treatment I was doing with the other guy. "Harmful" and "unrealisitc" are some of the words they used to describe what I was doing. GREAT. But this happens sometimes. Well actually, it happens often. Not everyone agrees on the same course of treatment. But I do I feel like I am in much better hands at Cedars. I wish I had made the move earlier. Oh well, what can I say, God had other plans. My previous jaw doc recently introduced me to something called NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming). It's actually quite interesting. The goal of NLP is to change the way you think about things; to achieve a healthier mind sight. It's hard to describe. All I can say is that it isn't like counseling.

So, my Cedar docs want to see me every week. I see a dentist (who has ordered minimal talking and a liquid diet), a pain doc and a pain therapist for biofeedback. I will also be doing physical therapy down there twice a week. In addition, I have to see a periodontist (gum doc) and a surgeon. I also have an appointment with a big wig pain specialist in Santa Monica for a second opinion. And NLP is every other week. My calendar book is crazy right now. Good thing I have such loving and grace-filled parents as my drivers. I won't need drivers for long though. My healing is coming!!

I have an appt with my Lyme docs this weekend in Arroyo Grande.

Please keep me in your prayers. Traveling is hard on my body. I could use specific prayer for complete healing of my jaw and hips and wisdom for both me and my doctors. Also, that the Lords continues to pour grace into my parents' hearts. More than ever I'm ready for this to be done.

Thank you for walking this sometimes painful, winding, solitary path with me.

Beach Day!

2010-09-11T16:40:00.000-07:00

Leaving my house to go anywhere is usually a pain, painful and requires lots of energy. But I woke up on Friday morning wanting to see the ocean. Not "see" as in driving down the 101. I wanted to go to the beach!!

My dad is so sweet. When I asked him to take me, he put everything aside and told me to put on my beach face. Naturally, I grabbed Scout, a camera and my sunglasses. We stopped at my favorite place on the way for take out.

Here's what happened...

Can you believe I haven't been to the beach in over a year?

It was the best, most fun day I've had in a long time and I can't wait to go back again!

Today's Devotions

2010-08-29T14:54:00.000-07:00

I want to be more bold. Bold in Christ and bold for Christ. I want to boast of my God. Live for Jesus or die without Him. It's a scary thought, but the cost is eternity. And not just how I spend eternity, but how others spend theirs as well.

This morning I read from my devotional, My Upmost for His Highest. I was encouraged by the statement, "Believe steadfastly on Him and everything that challenges you will strengthen your faith" (Aug 29).

My boldness and flourishing faith come from the fire of conflict and trial. Looking upon my own past, I recall many miraculous ways God has worked. I see acts of love and kindness and mercy. These same things are God displayed on a bigger scale in the lives of David and Ester and Noah. The God of Creation and of Crucifixion and of Redemption is my God! And I want Him to be everyone's God.

I read some chapters in Ezekiel this morning. God called this man as a prophet to preach to an "obstinate and stubborn" people (2:4). As a part of His message to the Jews, God had Ezekiel lie on his left side for 390 days, bearing upon him the sins of Israel. After that, Ezekiel was called to lie on his right side for 30 days, bearing the sins of Judah. During this time, Ezekiel was to eat little food and drink little water.

Ezekiel draws a crowd

(http://www.newworldencyclopedia.org/entry/Ezekiel)

Obviously, not everyone is called to be an Ezekiel, but God does have callings on each of our lives. The calls are often very difficult, but not only do we get to partner with God, but He gives us the strength to do whatever He asks of us. I am so in awe of God. As my study notes say, "He chooses to work His divine will on earth through finite, imperfect beings" (NIV Application Note Ezek 2:2). I need to hold on to this "state" of awe in order to live a life of worship and refrain from getting caught in myself.

I hope you got as much out of your Sabbath as I got out of mine!

I leave you with this treasure I found; "Even in life's unthankful moments, we have a reason to be thankful" (from One Minute Promises of Comfort, p. 34).

Scout and Superman

2010-08-27T10:12:00.000-07:00

Pain has eased up a bit! Praise the Lord!!

I am searching for a specialist to treat my new virus. Praying and waiting is still the name of the game.

My brother and sister left for school. Lauren had been here since December, so it was especially hard to see her leave. But she's at Westmont this year and promises to visit often.

So many unknowns, but Jesus is my unchanging constant. How do I make this (my life and suffering) more about Him and less about me? I don't know, but I want all signs to point to Jesus and not to me.

My new found and totally dorky pleasure: Lois and Clark The New Adventures of Superman on Netflix. There are like 100 episodes. The special effects are terrible, but it helps pass the time.

Note- As of 1 week after original post, I am sick of Superman

Scout's new pleasure: The fire pit. He loves the warm sand and the afternoon rays.

Hot dogs for dinner?

Landlocked

2010-08-11T14:25:00.000-07:00

TIRED OF PAIN

My hips are inflamed, hot to the touch again. I'm cooking something in there. I hate to be back to bed, but that's where I am. Preoccupying my time with movies, emails, books and prayer. "Jesus is bigger," I repeat.

My nausea went away after a few days of stopping all meds. Yay!! Now that I have resumed some of them, the nausea is trying to creep back in. I'm prayerful it ceases soon so I can take the full dose of what I need.

My jaw is okay. Sometimes bad, sometimes not as bad.

I am in the process of filing papers to take a leave of absence from CLU. i will be on campus in the spring!!

Please continue to intercede on my behalf.

Pray against side effects,

manageable pain,

quick results,

miraculous healing of my jaw and the ability to eat/talk

Thank you to my faithful readers. Thank you for your love, encouragement and prayers. "No man is an island," certainly rings true in seasons of pain.

I think Scout wants me to get better almost as much as I want me better

Proverbs 10:19 "He who holds his tongue is wise"

2010-07-27T09:23:00.000-07:00

This week I am literally applying this word to my life.

My jaw has been so painful that I can barely talk and can only eat blended food. To remedy this situation, I am giving my mouth a rest. After all, I rest my hips when they hurt and I do the same for my arms.

It's hard to be silent. I want to laugh, talk to Scout and chat with people I love. Prayerfully this will help, becasue the next step my jaw doctor recommended was a "medical intuitive." I said, "psychic? NO WAY." The medical world get weird when your problems no longer require conventional fixes. I am praying about checking out a pain center at Cedars, ironically that's where I started out years ago.

Please pray for my heart right now. It's heavy to say the least. My jet setter sister hoped a plane this morning bound for Ireland. She got a buddy pass with a girlfriend whose father is a pilot. I have to remind myself that this is a season, well it's more of a season of seasons, and this time WILL pass.

"Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD" Psalm 139:4

With all my free time, I have been watching movies. I just ended my century piece (think Jane Austen) phase and have now moved into series- probably because they are so time consuming. Loved Lord of the Rings and Band of Brothers (a short series on HBO about WWII). Any suggestions?

Love and Blessings!

Loving Psalm 107:35

2010-07-22T12:55:00.000-07:00

Rough week. But in the midst of it, Jesus beckoned me; "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matt 11:28-30

I started meds for the newly diagnosed virus. These have been rocking my bod... nausea. On Saturday, I got so sick that I had to go to the ER for fluids. It's been hard to eat, but today seems to be better so far. I praise Jesus for that.

Arm pain has returned and my jaw flared up too. Friday was my sister's 21st birthday and I so badly wanted to celebrate with her. I only lasted a little bit, not even long enough to take a picture with her. I was crushed. I reiterate the words of Paul, that "this thing won't even be worth mentioning when I stand before Jesus. His glory surpasses all."

On July 16th, my sister's birthday, I read this devotion from Oswald Chambers: "At times God will appear like an unkind friend, but He is not; He will appear like an unnatural father, but He is not; He will appear like an unjust judge, but He is not. Keep the thought that the mind of God is behind all things strong and growing. Not even the smallest detail of life happens unless God’s will is behind it."

God is in my storm. This parched desert will one day be streams of living water.

Ways to be praying:
doctor guidance
wisdom
medication side effect
pain- jaw/hips/arms

Bad Blogger

2010-07-13T12:13:00.000-07:00

A lot has been happening. I am terrible at updating...

I recently started to rub a compounded antibiotic into my arms because taking antibiotics orally hasn't been doing the trick. Guess what?? This is helping. I am actually typing this post, not speaking it out on my voice program!! Since it's been helping so much, I started liberally applying the yellow goo to my face, hips and ankles. I'll keep you posted on the results.

Also, I just tested positive on a newly discovered retrovirus. It is the third known virus of its type. This virus, called XMRV, creates inflammation in the body and hopefully holds the key (but always giving Jesus the credit) to health. The virus suppresses the immune system the same way HIV does. I am praying that once this is dealt with, my body can easily tackle the Lyme. Please join me in this prayer. I should feel a difference in 5 weeks.

I flew to San Jose to see my doctor last Tuesday. My hips are still recuperating. They got inflamed from all the sitting.

Blessings to you all.

Overcoming faith

2010-06-29T12:11:00.000-07:00

This morning I read about overcoming faith. Such faith is exemplified in 2 Cor 4:8-9:

We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing;

persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed.

I feel like I am stuck. Stuck in my treatment and today I feel stuck in my faith. I confess that I don't want to go on any longer. I am tired of this. I have committed to following in the footsteps of Moses. I will march through the water and trust that it will divide. I will walk through and across, seeing the Red Sea to my left and to my right. The Lord will lead me to victory. Behind me the enemy will be crushed.

Everyday and throughout the day I find myself uttering the words of Joni Eareckson Tada:

"Oh God, I have no strength but You do, I have no abilities but You do, I have no resources for this day but You do. I can’t do this thing called quadriplegia [Lyme], but I can do all things though You as You strengthen me. So God show up big time in my life today because I need You desperately."

Please pray for direction. My doctors don't know what to do. I can't believe this is still going on. But, if He wanted me better, I would be. I trust that for sure.

C.S. Lewis- God's best

2010-05-30T19:57:00.000-07:00

C.S. Lewis on his wife's cancer treatment- “We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.”

I love this statement. It dispalys Lewis' profound belief of God's goodness, no matter the situation. I strive to hold this perspective.

Some more Lewis quotes-

“God, who foresaw your tribulation, has specially armed you to go through it, not without pain but without stain.”

“God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”

“Though our feelings come and go, God’s love for us does not.”

He Knows, He Knows!

2010-05-20T14:07:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling especially yucky lately. I am still having jaw and hip pain. What I have recently discovered is that via the spine, the hips and jaw greatly affect one another. Over the last week my jaw has been getting healthier and moving into the correct position, thus changing the structure of my hips and stirring up pain. This wakes up Lyme inflammation. I find myself spending more time in bed...

In one of my books I came the following statement: "The distant future is a clear to God as the present is to us." He knows it all!!

Stormy Weather With Clear Skies In Sight

2010-05-05T15:26:00.000-07:00

My jaw was dislocated 9 years ago to the day. I was in a playing soccer in Bakersfield when I collided with another girl. She was fine, but I on the other hand sustained a slight concussion, a neck strain and soft tissue damage to my back, along with the dislocated jaw. This pain that was limited to my upper body started moving, and I soon had pain everywhere. I was misdiagnosed with Fibromyalgia- but this was actually Lyme, which my body could no longer suppress due to the trauma from the accident.

For the last few years my jaw has not been doing well. Because it was moved out of its proper position, it has been slowly eroding. Fun, right? Surgeons suggest a reconstructive surgery where I would have a steel joint put in place of my jaw. These surgeries are very unsuccessful, so pray I never have to go this route.

I found a fairly local doc who is fitting me for proper mouth pieces to prevent further break down. Treatment with him has been extremely painful. I can barely talk and I am on a liquid diet (everything goes in the blender). I am praying this goes away SOON!!

School at Cal Lutheran starts Sept 1. As I've been counting down the months, discouragement has crept up (what a tool of the enemy!). I told myself I would just die (so dramatic) if I wasn't well enough to go to school. Sure, I have seen slight improvement with my electrical treatment, but not as much as I would like. I still have severe pain in my arms and I still can't sit because of hip pain.

As I started to sink into frustration, the Lord reached down and pulled me up. He spoke to me through my new favorite book "A Future and A Hope" by Jon Courson. Here are some of my favorite lines-

It rains on the just and the unjust. The sun shines on the believer and the unbeliever because God is good. Everything He gives us is because of grace- unmerited, undeserved, unearned favor." (p.11)

"If He loved you enough to send His Son to be slaughtered in your stead, don't you know God will do what's good for you continually?" (p. 121)

God is good. He is using this storm to not only test where I stand, but also to strengthen my faith and to accomplish what is best for me.

So whether or not I can go to school in the fall, I am choosing to believe that God has my best in mind. I certainly don't know what He's doing or the way He's taking, but He's knows the what He's doing with me and He knows the way I take. I surrender. "Your way not mine. I give up, God." I tell Him that I want to return to school and I entrust the desires of my heart to Him, so I trust that whatever the outcome may be, it is for my best. There is an end, an expected end. And it will be glorious.

It is hard to get to this point. To say with certainty, "He's doing something better than I could have ever imagined and I will follow confidently as He leads." But that's where I need to be, otherwise suffering is miserable. No amount of agonizing or wishing is going to change things.

The last 9 years have been rough. Brokenness is what the Lord has required of me. If this is what it takes for Him to be glorified and if this is part of His plan, then I know it will be for my best. I am still confident I will be healed; clear skies are in sight.

Lamentations 3

2010-04-26T17:58:00.000-07:00

Lamentation

(definition) noun-

the act of lamenting or expressing grief

²¹ Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:

²² Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.

²³ They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

²⁴ I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."

²⁵ The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;

²⁶ it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.

²⁷ It is good for a man to bear the yoke
while he is young.

²⁸ Let him sit alone in silence,
for the LORD has laid it on him.

²⁹ Let him bury his face in the dust—
there may yet be hope.

³⁰ Let him offer his cheek to one who would strike him,
and let him be filled with disgrace.

³¹ For men are not cast off
by the Lord forever.

³² Though he brings grief, he will show compassion,
so great is his unfailing love.

³³ For he does not willingly bring affliction
or grief to the children of men.

I covet your prayers right now;

my pain is intense and my doctors and I have little or no direction

beautiful

2010-04-21T20:36:00.000-07:00

my sister's heart

"We love, because He first loved us" 1 John 4:19

there is nothing sweeter

Hearts for Haiti

2010-04-16T13:52:00.000-07:00

Lauren and my dad left for Haiti with a team from Reality on Wednesday night.

You can follow them at this website http://realityinhaiti.com/

News on rebuilding the country's infrastructure http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE63F39V20100416

Easter: It's Not About The Eggs

2010-04-07T13:28:00.000-07:00

I hope you had a wonderful Easter!

I woke up Easter morning excited and in complete awe of Christ's victory. I have never been so overwhelmed with thankfulness and excitement for what Jesus endured on my behalf. I was excited because Jesus already conquered Lyme disease. He put to death my suffering, along with my sin, and gave purpose to the heartaches I face.

I felt like a little girl the night before my slumber party, or a child entering the gates of Disneyland. I was excited! And I was hopeful. I was reminded that Jesus wins, that He has already won. As God's daughter and co-heir with Christ (Romans 8:17), I win too!

Lately I have been reading Randy Alcorn's If God Is Good, Safe in the Midst of Suffering and Evil. It is an amazing read and delves into some very interesting topics. In it, the author reflects on Paul's statements that suffering results in our greater good, "God's people will be better off eternally because they suffer temporarily." The author goes on to say that if Paul is right and temporary evil and suffering were eliminated, "God would also eliminate eternal good" (p.42). I don't know if this is true, but it is fascinating to me.

I've been reading another book called Rose From Brier by Amy Carmichael. She likens the Christian to a soldier on mission and says that a soldier is never "laid aside; he is only given another commission, sometimes just to suffer... to fight among the unseen forces of the field. Never is he shelved as of no further use by his beloved Captain." She further says that "a wise master never wastes his servant's time, nor a commander his soldier's" (p.36). Just as there was purpose in Christ's suffering, there is purpose in the Christian's.

So refreshing! And so much hope in Jesus!!

Scout's Easter present from Grandma

Life update

2010-03-30T12:12:00.000-07:00

It has been over a month since we united in prayer and fast for my healing. I am happy to report that the Lord heard the cries of our hearts. I started improving drastically. I was able to go downstairs a few times a day and even started making my own meals! Unfortunately, this was short-lived. I overdid myself during an attempt at “spring cleaning” a few weeks ago and then started increasing my treatment and now I am back to where I was before. But I have not lost heart. I'm still convinced that the Lord is going to heal me.

Recently, the Lord has used this season of rest and increased free time to join me in Mission for Him. Although I am confined to my bedroom, the Lord has given me a passion for intercession. And I am loving it. About a year ago, one of my friends at church felt as though the Lord wanted to use me for intercession. I shrugged at the idea, thinking “I don't want to sit and pray for other people. I want to be out, living and active.” I sure had that wrong. If I could summarize what I have learned so far, it would be this: my life is not about me. That has been so freeing. I put myself and my desires at the foot of the cross and seek God's glory.

The time I spend in prayer and in God's Word help to keep me from becoming doubtful, fearful and frustrated. But let's face it, I am still human and I still go there sometimes. As I wait on God's promise, I seek the example of Abraham (minus Hagar and Ishmael). Romans 4:20-21 state that Abraham “did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had the power to do what he had promised.” Please join me in praying that I continue to be strengthened in God as I wait on His promise.

Pastor Britt says that if God has you waiting, it's because He's working. Working in you so He can work through you. I believe that is happening and I am so excited to see where the Lord takes me. There has been so much purpose in this time of waiting and I believe that God has been glorified in my suffering. But I still long to be well. I continue to have intense pain in my hips, which makes it impossible for me to sit. I want to get back to church and I want to return to the classroom this summer. Although this illness has brought me and my family on our knees, it has also been such a burden. Please join me in prayer that the Lord works through my current treatment, performs a miraculous healing, and speaks to me regarding treatment decisions.

Thank you so much for partnering with me in this. It has been a difficult fight, and I am truly honored by your prayers and presence in my life.

Take heed to this truth: although God rarely offers explanations to our questions and our longings, He offers himself. I hope you take advantage of that in your life. It is my prayer that as the Lord does a healing work in my body, He does a healing work in your life.

Missed opportunities, gained perspective

2010-03-25T11:36:00.000-07:00

"I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten." Joel 2:25

The Lord gave that to me a few years ago. I am all about hope and this verse speaks hope into my heart.

I missed a good friend's wedding on Saturday. I got dressed up in preparation, hoping I would feel up to going, but I didn't. I was exhausted afterwards and knew I would be miserable if I went. As my family left for the wedding, I was bummed out to be missing something else, but I was filled with a peace that the Lord will repay these missed opportunities.

Sister Love

This was not a totally lost cause, because I had a blast getting ready! I put on a pretty dress, make up and even curled my hair. It's been a while since I've done any of that. Oh, how I can't wait to do it again- and then to go out! God is so good.

My loyal companion

Beautiful Haiti Video

2010-03-08T11:11:00.001-08:00

From my dad's trip:
http://heschle.wordpress.com/

a new paradigm

2010-03-06T18:05:00.000-08:00

For the last few weeks I have been trying to wrap my mind around the concept of Godly suffering. What exactly does that look like and how can I live out in my life?

I've been mulling this around and looking for direction. And I found it!! At least I found my answer. In Britt Merrick's Big God, I found this passage:

"The father says, "my son, my daughter, can you be quiet and enjoy
the ride? I'm doing good things in your life. Can you stop worrying
and just enjoy My company? Can you open your eyes to what you
are and see the beauty of where I have you right now?"

and then the kicker...

"God wants you to enjoy the ride. And He Himself is the
destination anyway." (p.118)

Honestly, when I think about the destination of my life, I think about my healing; waiting for it and how great it will be. But in reality, Jesus is my destination and nothing tops Him! And today will be just as good as the day I am healed, because God reigns in them both.

*This can easily can happen to any of us. From one sinner to another,

beware what you exalt in your life*

http://www.amazon.com/Big-God-What-Happens-Trust/dp/0830752226

Tree of Life

2010-03-02T14:48:00.000-08:00

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12

Like the verse above, my heart is sometimes sick from waiting. The Lord is working on this, especially my patience. My mind sometimes goes awry, but the Lord mercifully brings me back. The other day I was feeling especially small and forgotten, so I open my Bible to Job and read chapters 38-41. When a reality check... Here God if calling Job out, asking him, who are you to question me? The Lord explains that He is above everything and that He is omniscient an omnipresent. God asks Job questions like, "where were you when I laid the earth foundations?" 38:4 and "do you satisfy the hunger of the lions?" 38:39. I was overwhelmed by my by finite self and the infinite nature of God. I do not understand God, so how can I question Him? These chapters enforced when I already knew, but so often forget; I am no match for God and He loves me so much.

I skipped over to Isaiah 40 and was mesmerized by the last half of the chapter. The Lord hit me over the head to make sure I was really getting it. I know and love 40:28-31 which speak of God strengthening the weak, but what I really needed was verse 27- "Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, "My way is hidden from the Lord; my cause is disregarded by my God"? v. 28 "The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and His understanding no one can fathom." What an awesome thing it is when the Lord speaks to the core of your need. When I went to Him, He met me. I am not forgotten. He does not do things how I would do them, He does them better. I am really trying to let that sink in. God is always holding my hand and I know He has great plans, trees of life.

During prayer one day in Haiti, my dad began to fervently pray for my healing. After he finished, he looked up and saw a man in the crowd wearing a lime green shirt. The man then took off his shirt. This simple act was a sign from the Lord. He told my dad just as this man took off the shirt, the Lord was going to strip me of Lyme! What a beautiful picture of God's love, goodness and faithfulness.

The man is in the middle, towards the back. His shirt stands out.

Trip to Haiti winding down

2010-02-27T20:03:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is the team's last day in Haiti. The time sure flew by. My dad asked that we pray for a purposeful last day; for fruitful work and for whatever else God wants accomplished. God has been working mightily and it will be exciting to see what kind of an impact that has on everyone's life. Ask the Lord to guide each person's life to whatever He has for them next. Praise the Lord for all He has done and all He continues to do!! Please also pray for safe travels home.

Ventura Star on Haiti

2010-02-27T07:50:00.001-08:00

My dad called the Star yesterday in hopes of raising awareness of the luggage/supply hold up in Haiti.
Here is the article:
http://www.vcstar.com/news/2010/feb/26/churchs-haiti-relief-get-through-red-tape/

Haiti GREAT NEWS!!!

2010-02-26T14:07:00.000-08:00

The luggage and supplies were just released to my dad and his team. They got all their stuff back except for a generator and a cement mixer. A lot of prayer went into this and the Lord proved mighty and victorious. Praise Him! Please pray that the team is able to get a lot of work done in the few days they have left in Haiti.
"We wait and hope for the Lord;
He is our help and our shield." Psalm 33:20

Below is a picture of supplies bring held in customs

Haiti Update 3 URGENT

2010-02-24T20:42:00.000-08:00

Spoke with Mark a little bit ago.

Please continue to pray for:
Airport customs are still not releasing their supplies as well as many other missionary aid supplies ie. tents, and medical supplies. They want $10,000 before they will release them.

Soledad from CNN was there today and just aired on AC 360 the problem of the custom taxes for all to know. Check out CNN AC 360 when you can . I can hear it air again right now.They need the tools desperately !!
Pray for peace that passes understanding and guards hearts and minds in Jesus at the Lighthouse. A wall that was so damaged they tore down thinking they would be able to rebuild it at the girls school (provides safety and protection) is still not rebuilt. Pray for safety and against intruders. The walls of the prisons came down with the earthquake. There are 4,000 prisoners running around.
Pray against demonic activity in the name and authority of Jesus. Mark hears the voodoo drums in the night while he is trying to sleep.
Pray for appointments for the team members to share the Jesus.

Pray for no rain. So many in tent cities don't actually have any tents.

Mark expressed how much your prayers mean to them all. They truly are sustaining them, so please continue to battle for them with your prayers.

-Stacey

Haiti Update 2

2010-02-23T18:45:00.000-08:00

Some news from my dad...

When the team arrived at the airport, they were met by crowds of people looking for handouts and wanting to carry luggage for payment. Once they reached the orphanage, called Lighthouse, they settled in for the night. There are so many people there right now that people are sleeping on top of the roofs and outside. My dad slept outside on a mattress. Well, he was outside on a mattress. Between dogs barking, roosters crowing, and fear of intruders, he didn't sleep. Intruders try to enter the compound at Lighthouse. First they knock at the gate, if no one answers they start throwing rocks (one rock hit a little boy in the head), then they fire a shot. Needless to say, intruders are scary.

Today was their first real day in Haiti. My dad is experiencing some major culture shock. He went to the "ravine" today, which is essentially a tent city without tents ( it's in close proximity to the orphanage). Little children ran up to him and started hanging on him, looking for love and attention. Those that live in the ravine have no water, yet he saw them raise their arms and worship the Lord; a true sacrifice of praise. Then they wanted to pray for him and the rest of the missionaries. When my dad told Suzette (her and her husband run orphanage) that the ravine people have no water, she simply said that they have nothing to put in.

The team is facing a big problem right now. All the luggage that they brought with them is being held at the airport and has yet to be released. Airport officials are charging them hundreds of dollars to get their luggage and supplies back. The orphanage only has two hammers and there are currently 12 able-bodied men ready to work, but without tools. My dad and one of his team members who is a masonry (there to teach people how to build bricks) brought some of their own tools, but they don't have access to them. It took my dad 8hrs to do a job he could have done in 2hrs had he had the right tools. Some of the team members waited around at the airport today trying to get the luggage, but didn't succeed.

My dad wasn't able to do anything security-wise today, but he told us that there is a lot they can do- which is great news. Other good news is that my dad did not have any back pain today. But please continue to pray against that.

The people of Port-au-Prince are facing nasty things besides gross poverty. Rape has been prevalent, as women are on their own and have no protection. Disease and sickness rampant as bodies are still covered beneath the rubble and sewage is all over the place. The enemy would have us believe things are unchangeable, but our God is able to do immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine (Eph 3:20). If we can imagine food, medicine, supplies and shelter, multiply that by God and you get the impossible.

Prayer requests

that the group gets their luggage quickly
against intruders and evil of all kind
that the team sleeps well tonight
for God's word and love to spread swiftly
for President Preval (see below)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=30rWm84z-zg

Haiti Update

2010-02-22T16:54:00.000-08:00

My dad and the rest of the team made it safely to Haiti. They arrived a few hours ago via a small cargo plane. When my dad landed, he texted me, “tents scattered everywhere, buildings crumbled.” He just left a message on my mom's voicemail and said he's doing really well and so is the rest of the group.

When we spoke with him last night, he told us he hurt his back hauling luggage (they had 48 pieces) and was nervous about dealing with pain for the rest of the trip. He asked us to pray and we immediately got on our knees. Today he woke up feeling a lot better and got a great night sleep! Praise the Lord!!

My dad is very expectant that the Lord is going to do some mighty work while He is in Haiti. We are excited to see what comes from this trip.

Prayer requests-
•   please pray Isaiah 61 over the group
•   pray for my dad's back- that he doesn't overdo it
•   pray that the group bonds quickly and that all members develop deeper relationships
•   pray for the strength and hearts of the workers already there
•   pray for the salvation of Soledad O'Brien- she's doing a documentary on the orphans at the orphanage     where my dad is
•   pray that the group can survey and quickly accomplish what needs to be done
•   pray that the group can minister to Haitians
•   pray for God to be glorified!!!

Prayer Is Good, Really Good

2010-02-22T10:22:00.000-08:00

On Friday, some of the staff at Reality came over to my house to pray for me. They came bounding into my room with smiling faces and they refreshed my soul with their continued confidence in God's goodness. We begun by hashing out a problem I had been facing. I had been really frustrated with God and I could not break the hold it had over me. I think it stemmed from feeling forgotten. My slump lasted only a few days, but it was a difficult time. The Lord has since pulled me out of it and filled me with joy. The guys who came over encouraged me to direct my frustration elsewhere, not at God. They prayed for hope. I have since felt very hopeful. Praise the Lord for that!
The next day brought even more prayer. My parents called a day of fasting and prayer and invited people into our home to pray for me. I still cannot believe how many people showed up! It was incredible time of intercession and meeting with the Lord. The whole time we were praying I knew we were all in the Lord's presence and I felt so peaceful. The Lord is working and he is moving. I not only anticipate my own healing, but I believe the Lord is doing mighty things in the lives of those around me. It is a true gift to have my fellow brothers and sisters surrounding me and interceding on my behalf; I see the Lord's purpose behind this.

I received many e-mails and messages from people who couldn't make it, but who were also praying. Thank you again for your prayers. I am going to get better... soon. Yesterday I felt a lot better, I even came downstairs voluntarily to hang out with my family. Thank you Jesus!!

This weekend of prayer has awakened within a passion to pray. I am reminded that every good and perfect thing comes from God it is important to praise Him. He desires we fall on our knees before him, whatever the circumstance.

Right now my dad is on his way to Haiti. I will post details and prayer requests soon!

the latest and the greatest

2010-02-17T12:12:00.000-08:00

Today marks day 18 of bedrest.

Every few days I see baby steps of improvement, but it hasn't been what I've hoped for. Over the last few days despair has begun to creep in. It's the heartache I come across every once in a while when I realize my life doesn't mirror my dreams. When I opened up my devotional this morning, I read, "Although I have afflicted you... I will afflict you no more" (Nahum 1:12)

One of the most difficult aspects of Lyme has been the ups and downs. I have spent months bedridden, only to get up and move on with my life for a little while before everything comes crashing down again. That's my fear. How long with this last and when will it happen again?

I believe this will end one day. I will be as healthy and vibrant as I feel on the inside. Only God knows when. The verse about how God's timing and ways are different and higher than ours gets me every time. It brings peace, but also frustration. This is such a yucky situation and I yearn for Christ to say, "It is done." There will be a limit to this affliction; when Christ's purposes are fully accomplished and His time has come. I know there are purposes, I have already seen some of them. Since it is not the Lord's will to remove this right now, my constant prayer is that He will multiply the fruits.

Although my heart still hurts, I will persevere, because what else can you do? When I feel as though I can no longer go on, the Lord fills my cup.

God knew I needed to hear from Him this morning. He spoke through my devotional saying, Brittany, the very fact that you are facing this trial means you are so precious to me, otherwise I would not spend so much tome on you. And one day this will end. "Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning" (Ps 30:5).

Please keep me in your prayers. I need to constantly rest in the truth and deflect the flaming arrows of lies with my shield of righteousness. I ask that your pray against brain fog- my antibiotics have brought some nasty side effects, and I am still trying to complete schoolwork. Please also pray for quick healing of my hips, muscles and a skin infection that has appeared where I got injections.

God ministering to my heart

2010-02-05T12:16:00.000-08:00

This morning has been especially difficult. My hip pain is really bad and I am feeling frustrated and broken hearted. I began singing "Faithful by Steven Curtis Chapman. After I listened to the song a few times I started believing the words I was crying out to God. Here are some of the lyrics that ministered to me;

I am broken, I am bleeding,
I'm scared and I'm confused,
but You are faithful.
Yes You are faithful.
I am weary, unbelieving.
God please help my unbelief!
Cuz You are faithful.

You are faithful!
When you give and when You take away,
even then still Your name is faithful!
You are faithful!
And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe
You are faithful.

I am waiting for the rescue
that I know is sure to come,
cuz You are faithful.
Yes You are faithful.
I've dropped anchor in Your promises,
and I am holding on,
cuz You are faithful.

Though I cannot have the answer that I'm wanting to demand,
I'll remember You are God
and everything is in Your hand.

I am still having gnarly inflammation and am now considering Cortisone injections. Although they are nasty little things, I am tired of the pain and of being in bed. Please pray my pain goes away and for the Lord to give me discernment and wisdom like Solomon.

God's promise:

^"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him." James 1:5

Up and Down

2010-02-04T11:16:00.000-08:00

I get myself into to trouble sometimes... I start feeling really good and end up pushing myself into some activity I am not ready for. I hate when I do that.

Last Friday I wasn't having any pain in my ankles or hips so I decided to walk up and down my block a few times. I must have forgotten I just got out of my wheelchair, because I was working it. And I felt GREAT.
I woke up on Saturday with severe pain in my hips. On Sunday the pain was so bad I could not even get up. I have been in bed since then. I got shots on Monday in both hips to help the inflammation. The pain is slowly residing, but I still cannot sit or walk very far. Sometimes my hips are so hot to touch from the inflammation that I think you may be able to cook a steak if you put it up to my skin...

My bed is comfy, but after 5 days I am itching to get up. I have been doing a lot of homework, spending time with God and watching TV on Netflix.

I am SO tired of these ups and downs. I get better, worse, better, worse. But I believe this this cycle will end soon. For some reason, my marathon has a lot of hills, but I keep running until I hit the finish line.

Through all of this, God has never let me down; He has a PERFECT track record. In the midst of this current trial, the Lord fills my cup each day with peace and strength. Things could really be a lot worse. My family has been so amazing. They are constantly making me meals, getting me new ice packs and hanging out with me. They bless me so much.

Please keep me in your prayers, praying specifically that pain and inflammation to completely reside, that the Lord protects the condition of my heart and fills every need that arises. I also ask you pray for strength and continued compassion for my family. It is truly a gift that I can cry out to my brothers and sisters for intercession.

Lessons on hope and suffering

2010-01-30T11:54:00.000-08:00

Thank you so much for your prayers. My hips have been drastically improving, so much so that I have been walking around my neighborhood. I must have walked too much yesterday, because I woke up with excruciating pain this morning. Although I am disappointed by this setback, I force myself to rest in the Truth:

"God has called us to live our lives as a bold act of hope. To hope is not merely to wish for small improvements of personal circumstances. Hope expects all things, large or little, to be overwhelmed and filled with the immense glory of Christ... lives of hope can face great evil with relentless courage, since there is no telling how soon God will breakthrough with ultimate victory." -Perspectives Study Guide

One of the many lessons I've learned through my sickness is that believers do not suffer the same way as the rest of the world. We have an ultimate hope, a "hope [that] does not disappoint," found in Christ alone. Paul says in 2 Corinthians 4:17, "our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all." We know that no matter what we face on this earth, we will be made new and perfect in God's presence in the next life. We can transcend our circumstances when we know that this life is not all there is.

Even though I face sorrow, disappointment, and frustration, I know God has not given up on me. The funny thing is, my life is not even about me. I exist for the glory of God. God does not just have a plan for my life, He has a plan for the world and He allows my life to fit into His plan. What hope!

I have missed a lot of years of college, but nothing compares to the time I've spent in God's school.

I leave you with this,

"You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in your word... sustain me according to your promise, and I will live; do not let my hopes be dashed." Psalm 119: 114,116

"Those who trust in the Lord are like Mount Zion, which cannot be shaken but endures forever." Psalm 125:1

Oh Lord, I cry out to you from the depth of my heart. I ask that you meet me today in the midst of heartache and whisper to me your truths and promises. I praise you for being my hope, for being the hope of the world. God, I thank you that there is so much more to come. Thank you that you have a perfect plan. Father I ask that you use me in your plan; use what you have taught me, use my trials and use my passion for you to bless you and glorify your name. Help me to continue to trust in you no matter what I face it.

the best medicine

2010-01-25T15:33:00.000-08:00

The most comedic aspects of Lyme disease:

The look of shock on strangers faces when I get out of my wheelchair and start walking around in public. I always want to shout, "It's a miracle, I can walk!"

When I say things to the Lyme-illiterate like I have "bugs" in me.

A bottle of "Lime Away" stored in the laundry room- a gift from a friend.

Shirts, hats and bumper stickers promoting Lyme awareness:

"I live mine with a twist of Lyme"

and

Playing with medical supplies... on Scout

On countless occasions, elderly women used to point explicitly at my PICC line and loudly ask what it was. I then proceeded to explain it. For some reason these women always tended to be hard of hearing. Shouting matches would then ensue.

One of the IV's I took had to be mixed with alcohol. I was terribly afraid I would get drunk every day when I infused. I never actually did, but I thought about pretending I was when my family was around one evening. I laughed to hard thinking about it to even try.

I sat next to my Lyme Doc on a flight from San Jose to Burbank. of course I saw this as my perfect opportunity to grill him about all things Lyme. Instead, I sat between him and my dad, and the two of them covered all subjects pertaining to flyfishing. Halfway through this captivating conversation I opened up my water bottle and water sprayed all over my doctors face. Classic.

Ouch!!

2010-01-18T14:21:00.000-08:00

For a few weeks now I haven't left the house -- except for physical therapy twice a week and my appointment in Malibu on Saturday. I spend most of my time in bed. My hip joint is inflamed, so much so that I have to consider getting a cortisone injection. Cortisone is a steroid and steroids are one of Lyme's enemies because it acts like gasoline in a fire.

The huge bummer in this, aside from the aggravating pain, is that my ankles are finally well enough for me to walk around. And they really want to walk, they've missed out on a lot.

I don't know what to do. Do I keep clenching my jaws in pain, or do I get the shot?

Prayer request- discernment, relief from pain, the peace and joy of the Lord

Getting there

2010-01-17T11:09:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I saw my docs in Malibu. They do not have much experience with the new treatment I am doing, so they follow me on this journey, noting progress and trying to figure out the best way to support my body nutritionally.

Since I am off antibiotics, I have not been using my PICC (IV line in my arm) for a while now. My docs have been hesitant about pulling my line because it offers such easy access to my body. I think they are afraid my new treatment will fail and I will need my PICC back in. Over the last two months I have begged them to take it out, but they kept putting it off "one more month".

Finally, they relented!!! Fear of infection outweighs benefits of having it in for later. My mom had the honor of removing my PICC last night.

Before

Look at my right arm (your left)

AFTER

Freedom

What you can't see is my Jesus band aid

I still have a ways to go, but I am getting there...

We are the Body: Haiti

2010-01-17T08:49:00.000-08:00

For prayer a list of needs and donations go to: http://www.childhope.org/about/earthquake.html

Remember the words of Paul "If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it" (1 Corinthians 12:26)

Jesus has gone before us

2010-01-13T12:11:00.000-08:00

This quote resonated in my heart today:

"Think of that when you are tempted to question the gentleness of his leading. He remembers all the time and will never make you take even one step beyond what your feet are able to endure. Never mind if you think you are unable to take another step, for either he will strengthen you to make you able, or he will call a sudden halt and you will not have to take it at all."
- Frances Ridley Havergal

Prayer request- I continue to have severe pain in my arms. My muscles are really tight, which makes everyday activities difficult. I ask that you intercede on my behalf, asking God for total removal of pain and complete restoration.

Change Is in the Air

2010-01-12T14:04:00.000-08:00

On one hand it feels as though not much has changed since I posted in my blog a year ago; I still live at home and battle pain daily. But when I survey the decisions I have recently made and the prayers God has answered, I not only see change, but also renewal. Let me tell you what has happened:

Towards the end of last summer I began feeling as though "Lyme" antibiotics were not what I needed. It was scary to think about veering off the path that felt most comfortable and the potential unknowns felt daunting. With the Lord's nudging, I soon felt confident leaving one of my doctors to pursue other treatments. God had bigger plans for me.

A doctor's recommendation soon led me to a woman named Cindy who had conquered a 50 year+ battle with Lyme through low pulse electrical stimulation. After she was healed, Cindy opened a practice in the San Diego area to help other Lyme patients. I collected a lot of research and felt the Lord's hand directing me towards Cindy's protocol. Twice a week, for about a month, my mom and I drove down to San Diego for "electrical" treatments (this is nothing like electric shock). With straps and electrodes Cindy hooked me up to a machine that is able to kill and collect Lyme bugs. When I was not receiving this treatment, Cindy directed me to wear a smaller beeper-sized version of the machine 24/7. The exhaustion of long travel days soon caught up to us so we decided to invest in our own machine.

I am two months into this treatment. My ankle pain has lessened, but I still have arm and hip pain. My two machines have stirred up a lot. Remember, the battle against Lyme is worse before better. But I can honestly say I have never been so hopeful and so at peace with my treatment. God is meticulously directing my steps, teaching me to continuously trust in His care and I patiently, yet eagerly await my complete healing.

Even though we are only 12 days into the new year, the Lord has already been so sweet to me. Two professors at California Lutheran University have agreed to offer me their course even though I cannot be in the classroom. I will essentially be taking my major classes online this semester. I am so excited. For the past couple of years I have longed to return to school. I just want to graduate!

Aside from this, God has been stirring my heart and ministering to my needs daily. I look forward to sharing this epic journey with you.

Prayer request: For pain in my hips and legs to subside so I can go to church.