Big plans this week!

Wow, a whole month since I blogged. Oops!!

Pain counseling has been going well so far. I am picking up a lot of relaxation tools and other little things to help distract me from the pain.

This week I will add two more treatments to the mix: aqau therapy and Hyperbaric Oxygen Therapy. I am excited to start both, but also a little nervous. I am fearful of overdoing it in the pool, so I need to go slowly. HBOT is scary because it feels like the last of my treatment options. I have held it in a positive light for so long because it helped in the past. I finally needed to take the plunge. If it works, wonderful!! If not, I will cross it off the list and it won't loom over me any longer. No matter what, God will provide. Last time I did 40 HBOT sessions. This time around I will have to do more, as the pain returned once I stopped. It may become a long term maintenance treatment. I don't know.

Please bathe both of these in prayer. I am excited to be placed in a new environment where I can share my story and the God who walks me through it.

Also, I've been published!!! You can read my article here: http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/deeper-walk/blog/28395-life-on-gods-time

I have been writing a lot lately and am loving it! Yay for purpose!!



 

A New Mindset

The last few weeks have been hard emotionally. The Lord is doing a great work, and work is often painful. I am a lot less angry at God than I have been recently. I came to the conclusion that I had to make a choice (again). I would rot in anger and resentment if I did not choose to accept and move forward. I can either cling to my feelings of God's abandonment or I can choose to believe God's love and goodness outlined in the word.

For the last six year I have followed a self-implemented protocol for my pain: rest until it subsides. This program worked initially on my arm and leg pain, but it has yet to work for my hip pain. A ginormous light bulb recently flashed; if I continue waiting and resting, things may never get better. I have to somehow move on with my life. This goes back to acceptance. Although I know what needs to be done, I have no idea how to do it. I AM going to live my life despite and through my pain. This is incredibly daunting and scary for me because I cannot imagine what living with pain will look or feel like. Acceptance is hard. This does not mean that I will give up my hope for a cure or my search for medical treatment.

In order to live with pain, I need to create some sort of manageable program. I started seeing a pain psychologist who is going to teach me tools to help cope with pain. I also began a deep breathing/relaxation/imagery program, adding more tools to my tool box. I've realized I will not find the one ingredient that will take away all my pain. What I need is to find the best recipe for my body. 

A difficult aspect in all of this is the debilitating nature of my pain. When I engage in too much activity, I pay a huge price; inflammation kicks up, and it is something I cannot push through. I have almost lost my ability to sit upright completely. I have no clue how I will move forward, but I am choosing to believe the Lord will make it clear. An inpatient or outpatient pain center is looking like it will be more of a reality for me.

  

Bad pain days take a big toll on my heart. I am crushed when the pain gets really bad. It is imperative that I remember there will be lots of ups and downs on this journey.

I am excited about these changes, but I am a little weary of the work ahead of me. I am thankful I don't have to do this on my own strength.  

Please join me in lifting all of this up in prayer.

Blocks

I had six nerve blocks about two weeks ago. I really needed something to take the edge off. They seem to be helping so far. For the first week most of my pain was in response to muscle atrophy in my hips. I began getting more and more active and my shrunken muscles were not too happy. Then I pushed myself over the edge and most of my inflammation has returned. I am hoping some good rest will allow the inflammation to die down.

One of the hardest parts of getting relief is the fear that I will lose it. Once things get a little better, I look up, expecting the sky to fall. I was discouraged when the sky fell this time. Relief tastes so good!! I need to be more careful with my activity; I have to take baby steps instead of giant leaps forward. I must also remember that there will be steps backwards as I try to move forward.

I am having a hard time clinging to hope lately. I also realized I am angry with God. These two things weigh heavily on my heart and make me feel like there is a huge expanse between me and God. Would you please pray for a renewed and refreshed perspective on hope and God?

Wanting more

In the last few weeks I have begun the process of going off my pain meds. The drugs are not helping enough to get me out of the house, so I decided the cons outweigh the pros (the drugs have a negative effect on the brain and pain system). I was a little afraid that my body would freak out, but I seem to be doing well. I still have another three weeks to go. I have to go slowly otherwise I will get withdrawals. Please cover me in prayer as I wade through this process.

I had a lot of pain during Christmas because I was more active than my body allowed. After resting for a few days I am up and walking around the house again. As I move about, I sometimes notice a fear that I am doing too much. But I won't know if I don't try. Activity is what I crave most. I yearn to walk long distance, to travel, to discover, to venture out. I can't enjoy the wonder and beauty of God's creation from the confines of my home.

I find that I bury the pain and heartache of this situation deep within my heart. I don't want to be a broken record as I share my heart and pain with friends and family. It's a difficult place to be. There is no manual for this situation, no how to's and no guide.

I feel stuck and I desperately want so much more. Holidays, birthdays and new years are always difficult. I ache for what I have lost and I barely cling to the hope that things will be different. I pray that 2012 brings direction, abundant hope and joy, and above all, relief.

Christmas Greetings!

Hi friends! Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday Jesus to you!!

I have some exciting news. I recently started interning at the Barna Group, a Christian research organization. I do research from home and email in my findings. It has been a lot of fun and I am learning a lot. So far I have researched topics like "pastors using twitter" and "how social media affected the Obama 2008 campaign."

This week I started working with a physical therapist who works with the mind/body/pain relationship. She has had positive results in the past. Because nothing has worked in the past and I have been let down many times, I have a hard time being hopeful about future treatments. I find myself almost going through the motions. I am working through and praying for hope and healing in this area.

In the last few days I noticed some improvement in my pain- I was able to walk around the house more than normal, but yesterday I wrapped a few gifts and now things got worse again. As I have mentioned before, I need to somehow break through this so I can start exercising and strengthening my muscles. In the back of my mind I keep returning to hyperbaric oxygen, but I am really at a loss. I don't have any direction. I am in relationship with a God who knows and sees all, yet he isn't giving me any leading right now. The waiting is hard.

Please continue to pray for direction, healing, joy, patience and endurance for me and my support system. I continue having a difficult time praying lately. Your intercession is everything to me.

The Choice

Someone recently asked me what I did to turn around my gloomy outlook, so to speak. "Well," I said, "I had to make a choice. I had to choose to believe that the Lord has not left me, that he is bigger than my pain, that this is not the end." The choice was huge, and I was the only one who could make it.

We have such power over our minds. And not only that, but we have power over so many other areas on our lives. I am not discounting God's sovereignty here. Making choices and changes in our lives is not always easy, but it is our responsibility. We will be so much better off when we put in the work. My situation is so much more manageable now that I don't feel like I am in a dark pit.

I am still stuck on the couch, in terrible pain, but my outlook is sunny again. Back when I was in the pit (that sounds so funny!) my mom was quick to remind not to write the ending to my story. This statement was highly profound to me. God is still at work and I have no idea what he is up to. His thoughts and ways are much, much higher than mine. When you write the ending, you put God into a box.

I was supposed to go to San Jose today, but had to cancel. Yesterday I woke up with severe arm tendonitis; the same tendonitis that first started all of this, that forced me to drop out of college (twice) and that prevents me from using a Mac, because it hurts to bad to type on one. The list of activities that one can perform while lying on a couch is very short. When you take away the use of your arms, the list shrinks to talking, breathing and watching movies. BUMMER.

I will be receiving lidocaine injections in my hips on Monday (in LA) to find out if I am a candidate for ProLo therapy, which is basically sugar-water injections. Fortunately, there is no cost to this treatment beside the actual cost. I have a host of other appointments lined up for the month of December. I hate that insurance deductibles start over again in January.

Bless you all.     

Pure Joy

Updated**

I'm having a hard time considering my trial "pure joy" (James 1:2). Thanksgiving was tough this year for numerous reasons. I love seeing and spending time with my siblings, but the pain of comparison/jealousy and feelings of inadequacy really take a toll on my heart. I used to imagine what holidays would be like when we would all come home and celebrate life with one another. But my life is so static, I am always home and i don't get to participate in fun or exciting things. I can't even paint my toes because it hurts to bad to bend at the hips. My quality of life really is terrible and I no longer get reprieves. When my pain first started, it would last for a few months and then dissipate, now it is a constant. Leaving the house for anything other than a doctor appointment is out of the question. 

As is evident by my words, I am in desperate need of a refreshed spirit, sense of hope and relief from pain. I find myself so discouraged by circumstance. Bringing my eyes back to Jesus is hard. It's a hard pill to swallow that this is where he has me; he is allowing this unending and unrelenting cycle of pain. I no longer feel like I will get better. The lack of hope that "this too shall pass" is heavy.    

**Tomorrow I was supposed to fly to New Mexico to see a neurologist with a specialty in Lyme. My pain is too bad that I just canceled the trip. I will first need to do some kind of pain treatment to take the edge off, then I will try again. Please pray for direction as to which treatment to pursue.

I recently finished an excellent book called How Long, O Lord by DA Carson. It is written about the problem of evil and suffering. I am also really enjoying a new worship cd called Every Falling Tear by Matt Hammitt. I highly recommend them both.

If you are in the neighborhood, I would love for you stop by and visit!!